I don’t have a crush on you
I have a crush on life

I am, secretly, madly in love with life
but I am afraid to admit it
I am afraid that I am not good enough
I am afraid that life will reject me
that it will not answer my love
that it will ridicule me
for even considering that it might be mutual
I am afraid that life will laugh at me and my love for it

so I hide my burning desire for life
I smoke it away
I pretend that I don’t care
I distract myself
I sabotage myself
I dim my light
time and time again

I am afraid of my own power
I am afraid of how big I can become
once I fully surrender
once I give it my all, my everything and my forever
once I let myself fully fall in love with life
without fearing the consequences

I don’t have a crush on you
I have a crush on the idea of you
I have a crush on the idea of what we could be together
I have a crush on the person that I made of you in my head
the person that actually I want to be
the person that I already am
somewhere

I have a crush on all the possibilities you made me see
all the things that, allegedly, I see manifested in you
All the things I so desperately crave
All the things I made myself believe I can not have

I have a crush on the joy, the self confidence, the embodiement,
the freedom of expression, the art, the communication,
the sexuality, the connection, the lightness, the ease…

I don’t have a crush on you
I have a crush on life

I have a crush on bathing naked in the ocean
I have a crush on laughing until my belly aches
I have a crush on dancing until I’m dizzy
I have a crush on getting lost in playing
I have a crush on crying my eyes out
I have a crush on how it feels when my heart opens

I have a crush on life

and I hear it calling me
through you
calling me
to be
me